The other side of the moon

Jolie is 2 months old now, but it seemed like ages since we left the hospital with Jolie in our arms. I remember reading a friend’s blog, saying that she didn’t blog down much details of when her daughter was little because it would mainly consist of complaining and negative thoughts. I totally agree with her. Besides, where got time? The only time during the day for me to blog would be when she’s napping, and that would usually mean time for ME to rest too! So it would be choosing to rest my back and catch some Zzz, or to sit in front of the laptop to blog. Hmm, not a difficult choice really.



The 1st few weeks were really tough, even with Mom around to help. I remember one night, when we finally called it a day and I lay down in bed to sleep, I just broke down and started crying in the dark. My arms and wrists were aching from carrying baby the whole day, my Caesarean wound hurts, my nipples were sore and my menstruation came again. (Post-natal menstruation) I was just so exhausted, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too. It was a complete breakdown. I cried to Cobby (who was by then shocked by my breakdown) that I never want to have another kid again. Sigh, it was terrible.



During the confinement period, I was a complete wreck. I felt trapped, stuck in a job that I hated but can never quit – FOR LIFE. So many times I wished that this whole baby thing was a nightmare and I could just wake up from and laugh about it. I even fantasized just packing my bag, take my passport and just leave home and the country. Go where? Anywhere! Yah, it would be irresponsible, but hey, both our moms and Cobby should be able to take of her right?



I guess my main frustration was that I felt so angry at myself, I felt useless and that I really suck at taking care of baby. Also, I couldn’t let go of my previous lifestyle. I missed being free and couldn’t accept nor adapt to my new life as a mother. The worst part was not having anybody to share my pain. Who can I tell that I hated being a new mother and sometimes even hating my baby, and understand?



Cobby would comfort me, saying that he understand, and is here for me, but what does he know? Mom would just call me to stop crying, saying that’s the reality of being a mom and my crying would only make everybody around more miserable. I know it sounds harsh, but I guess she doesn’t really know how to make me feel better because that’s the truth. Sis is a thousand miles away in Hong Kong and for once, I’m in a situation she’s never been in and that’s motherhood. Yee Mei would have been a great person to confine in, but I didn’t want to bother her as she is expecting and having a difficult pregnancy.



So I just have to keep my feelings to myself loh… When the world asks me how I was coping to being a mother, I just had to smile and say “I’m Ok”. But I was NOT!



Anyway, thanks to Mom’s ‘training’, I slowly (but painfully) started to learn the ropes of taking care of baby by myself. When I got better at the technical part of taking care of baby, I started to enjoy the fun part of it. Like playing with her, getting her to smile and laugh at her silly hair styles and actions. I also love it when she looks at me and make those coo-ing noises. When she smiles at me and goes “ah-goo…” it’s super hard to be mad her! My heart would totally melt and I would feel an overwhelming sense of love for the little life in my arms. So, yah, even though there are still hard times, life is getting better. :)



Now that we’ve grasp the part on taking care of her, I have to proceed to the other stage of the game, which is to have a life with baby in toll. Sis exclaimed, “No life? Create a life! Go out with baby! Have fun!” Yah, easier said than done, but nonetheless we are trying. Though troublesome, we’ll still try to go out with baby once in a while. Also, we’ll find ways to create some alone time without baby. It’s not easy, but we’ll learn and overcome it! Yeah!